What's BULL SHIT

   I was just sitting around thinking of everything and nothing at all and at some point this is what I started to think of.  What's Bullshit...... being in pain, the price of milk, the price of gas, family moving away, getting sick at 37, kids when they don't listen, people who pick on the president, hiding from the sun, swollen feet and hands, Weiner and his weeny, people not allowed to marry who they choose, being alone, that purple dinosaur, absent fathers (mine include), tingling/numbness in my right arm, people who can't say excuse me, losing loved ones, the price of an education, insurance companies not willing to pay for needed medication, people who don't appreciate a true friend, taking 12 pills puls a day, mean people, having nausea feeling just about all day, having to mop the floor, feeling lost, wanting something but not knowing what, not feeling the warmth from the sun, gaining weight every time I look at a piece of cake, missing how I use to move and at times just missing me.

   I was having one of those days when my body was hurting, my mind was hurting and racing. I wanted to crawl into a hole and just stay there.  The only thing that keeps me from finding that hole is the fact that I am a mother of 3 and they need me.  Hell I need them just as well.  When I first got sick I was bent with fear on what would happen to my kids. At times just as everyone does I cry and cry.  I know I will get through this with flying colors no doubt, but it is just....................

peace for now   
     

Kids

   Kids, what else can I say about them? They are what they are. As a parent we love them so much that at times it does hurt.  The love that is for real unconditional. As soon as a person has one of these helpless, beautiful, innocent little people they are bound by this unwritten code to do good by them.  It's kinda of hard to explain......no it's real hard to explain, unless you have lived it.  Now as a parent I love my children more then i love myself most of the time.  Hmm as soon as I said that it seemed sad, but trust me it is not at all sad.  They bring more joy and smiles then any pain they can bring, and they can bring some pain.  For the first year or two it's pretty smooth and then something happens, they learn to convey wants, thoughts and feelings.  That is funny and cute at first then they learn they have control over themselves and at times others around them. Now the party starts as they began to grow and learn.  With my three loveless the party never stops, the pre-teen is at his I know EVERY thing faze, my 10 year girl I don't know (girls :), and last but not least the four year old who knows he can control situation around the house. 
  I want to do so right by my kids but when they act as if I am trying to hurt them that hurts.  lately I've been saying "oh mommy don't love me, mommy don't care for me" when my kids start huffing and puffing after I ask them to do chores or homework or hell anything. I've told them the things I am teaching, telling, show them to do are life long lessons and I am doing all of this out of love so deal.
  I as other parents only want our children to grow up to lead happy safe lives.  I hope my kids will look back on their childhood as I have and understand why?
  I love you Noah, Niya and Aza

Men- Women

   Well I was told that women give and men take and after many years of giving I see what was being said.  Women are bearers of life and that alone in it self is a giving act.  Men take the reward of planting the seed.  I wonder why can't a woman take and why can't a man give. Not forever, I know it's in our DNA but at times. I think that if we take on some role of our partner every now and then we might lessen their load and understand somethings.  Hell maybe people would stay married longer. I don't know just speaking.

This is not a disease it's my life style: FRIENDS

This is not a disease it's my life style: FRIENDS: " Friends, how many of us have them? As I sit on the phone today for hours with my two BFF, talking about everything and nothing under the..."

FRIENDS

   Friends, how many of us have them?  As I sit on the phone today for hours with my two BFF, talking about everything and nothing under the sun.  We actually sat on the phone at times in silence as if we where happy with not saying nothing.  Missing each others comfort and support that use to come with a knock on the door, now miles separate us.  The not knowing how the other is doing at any point of the day is unsettling at times.  Now I have to find new friends :(  For me it is hard to make friends.
   I don't know what it is.  I feel different lately, I have been fighting the feeling of not being good enough. I am not trying to blame being sick, but....... I am tired of being along .  You know the worst question people can ask you when you are feeling lost? Why aren't you married, in a relationship whats the matter with you?  Wow what's the matter with me?  Why do people think it is me? Like I control the male race. I want a relationship, to be married, in love, someone to care for me as I would do for him.  I think about it from time to time, but I don't dwell on it. It is what it is.
   Now I don't care for being in hospitals or having to see a doctor often, yet I want to feel better.  Popping pills is not working very well, taking eleven a day and twenty on Sundays just seems to make me sicker.  Now the sun is becoming a problem, it sickens me.  Hay but no sign of a rash :)  I have to stop drinking all together it does not mix with my meds. When my father sees me drinking a glass of wine he flips, I understand dad and thanks.

my youngest giving me thumbs up when I was not feeling well

I am not my DISEASE  I am just Crystal